Discernment Counseling
For when you don’t know where to go from here.
Unlike in traditional couples therapy, the goal in discernment counseling isn’t to solve your relationship problems.
It’s to determine whether or not to try and solve them.
Like many couples I see, you may be going through a very difficult time in your relationship. You could be feeling:
Hurt
Confused
Resentful
Stuck
Alone
In discernment counseling, I know you’re not taking this process lightly. And neither am I.
The vulnerability and courage it takes to show up to discernment counseling and say, “I’m not sure if I want to stay in this relationship,” is enormous.
It’s also led to some of the deepest transformations I’ve seen in the couples I work with – and not just the ones that have stayed together. There's so much power that comes from ending a relationship with integrity. When a relationship ends poorly, it often leads to long-lasting:
Pain
Trust issues
Commitment struggles
Difficulties opening up to others
Being able to have clarity and act with integrity even at the end of a relationship - that is strength, not weakness.
Traditional couples counseling is based on the understanding that both of you *WANT* to work on your relationship – that you *WANT* to find solutions and move forward together.
But if one or both partners are feeling like they’re done with the relationship, then we need to address that first. Otherwise, you’re just banging your head against the proverbial wall.
We can talk all day every day about how you can make meaningful changes in your relationship, but it won’t make a difference if you’re not both on the same page about whether you *want* to improve your relationship.
Discernment counseling, on the other hand, is perfect for deciding *IF* you want to rebuild your relationship. Not *HOW* to rebuild it. First things first.
What Makes Discernment Counseling Unique?
● There’s no commitment.
There’s no minimum number of sessions required. At the end of each session, you’ll decide whether or not to book another one.
● There is a top limit.
You can do up to five discernment counseling sessions with me before either stopping or transitioning to ongoing relationship counseling. The first session together is two hours, and each session after that is an hour and a half.
● Individual work is included.
There’s a combination of couples work and individual work. The reason is that each of you is starting this process from a different place. My job is to help you individually sort out how to move forward.
Usually, in discernment counseling, I work with what I call “mixed agenda” couples.
This means one person has either already requested or is thinking about ending the relationship, and the other person wants to stay together.
Occasionally, both people will be leaning out of the relationship. Most of the time, though, each partner starts off wanting a different outcome than their partner.
One of the most transformational and meaningful parts of discernment counseling is working with each partner individually.
This lets us dive into your individual role and responsibility for where your relationship is now. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango.
Being able to genuinely take responsibility for your portion, for your side of what’s gone wrong – that is personal growth at its finest. And that’s what will help you grow and flourish, whether or not you stay in your current relationship.
You won’t get the “good guy/bad guy” narrative from me, and each person’s perspective will be treated with respect and compassion. There’s no judgment in discernment counseling.
The three main goals of discernment counseling are to give you:
● Clarity.
Clarity on what direction you want to go in your relationship. Whether you decide to stay or leave, you’ll have clarity in your decision.
● Confidence.
Confidence and a sense of peace and closure with whichever direction you choose. You’ll be able to move forward without regrets.
● Understanding.
A deeper understanding of what led to this point in your relationship – how did you get here? Even if this relationship ends, you’ll move forward with wisdom and knowledge, rather than being destined to repeat the same cycle.
There are also three possible paths from discernment counseling:
You can decide to carry on with your relationship as it is. No meaningful changes, just keep on keeping on.
You can decide to separate. End the relationship and both go your separate ways.
You can decide to launch an all-out effort to redefine and renew your relationship. This includes six months of regular couples therapy and possibly other resources (books, videos, individual therapy, etc.). Based on what you learn and experience during those six months, at the end of that time you’ll have the knowledge and understanding you need to make an informed decision about your relationship.
Whether or not all five sessions have been completed, if a decision is made by one or both partners to end the relationship, that concludes the discernment counseling.
When you’re considering discernment counseling, you’re in a really difficult place in your relationship.
I’m here to make this next step as clear and peaceable as possible for both of you – whatever that next step might be.
If you think discernment counseling might be a good fit for where you’re at, don’t hesitate to reach out to me and get the process started. Together we’ll figure out the right next step for you and your relationship.
See More Couples Therapy Options
