Couples Therapy

Couples Therapy in a Nutshell

Before you read the rest of this page, take a quick moment to yourself. Just one breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. 

Ahhhhhh. 

Better, right? 

Ok. Since you’re here, your relationship is probably in a rough spot right about now. Or maybe you’re even teetering on the edge of divorce. Let me start by telling you I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. 

If you’re like most couples I work with, you’ve likely read online that all the problems in your relationship come down to communication issues. If you could just communicate with your partner, you’d be able to fix things… 

Whenever you and your spouse try to communicate – even about what’s for dinner, forget trying to have an actually meaningful conversation – it just turns into another argument and makes everything even worse. 

And sure, that might be because your partner’s intentionally trying to pick a fight. But more likely, it’s because somewhere along the way, there was a misstep that wasn’t ever fully addressed – a crack that never healed. Over time, you’ve grown further and further apart, until you’re constantly feeling frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and angry.

If you’re at a point where you don’t even know what the problem is, or where it started, you just know something is WRONG – that’s ok. 

That’s what I’m here for, to help you peel back the layers, allow you to reconnect with the person you love, and give you the right skills for the job.

Four Ways Couples Therapy With Me Is Different:

1. I get to the root of the problem. 

More often than not, couples therapists dive right into the session without adequately exploring each person’s background and the couple’s joint history. 

Going to therapy and only talking about the problems you’re having RIGHT NOW is like putting a bandaid on a cut when the real problem is internal bleeding. Instead of working through your problems argument by argument, we’ll get to the root cause of the tension and conflict you’re experiencing. 

Working with me, I’ll start by asking each of you to tell me more about:

• your individual narratives

• your family

• your upbringing

• the start of your relationship

• the current state of your relationship

• how you think you got to that current state 

Again and again, I hear from clients about how helpful the assessment process was to them, how it made everything click for them to finally start seeing a difference in their relationship. 

And I know, talking about your past can feel vulnerable and taking this step takes courage – but I promise it pays off.

2. I equip you for long-term success.

One area clients tell me couples therapy has failed them in the past is in preparing them for long term success. While it can be important to address specific arguments or frustrations, without the proper skills to be able to speak to each other kindly – and to listen fully – any conversations we have around the issues you’re facing will be wasted. 

So often, couples I work with are surprised by how quickly they’re able to talk with each other in a calm, respectful manner.

Once the tension has been reduced and you’ve developed a level of emotional safety with your partner, you’ll be able to hear each other in a new, deep, and meaningful way. 

“Well,” you may say, “That sounds awfully simple. Why haven’t we been able to figure this out on our own?” 

Listen. It’s not your fault.

When you've been in this cycle for years and these patterns are so ingrained, you get tunnel vision. You start to make assumptions about your partner, your armor goes up and you go into self-protection mode. It becomes less and less easy to give each other the grace necessary to sustain a long-term relationship.

My role is to help you rediscover that grace, that softness. And ultimately, to help you rediscover and redefine your relationship. 

 3. I work with both of you as individuals, not just as a couple.

Most couples therapy focuses entirely on the dynamic between two people. What I've found after years of working with couples is that the relationship can only go as far as each person's individual growth allows.

Here's something most therapists won't tell you: most models teach you skills. And the skills work…when you use them. But there's a part of you that already knows what you should do. You know you shouldn't react that way. You know you should listen instead of defend. You know the drill.

And yet.

Relational Life Therapy goes after that part of you — the part that doesn't want to use the skills. The part that would rather be right than connected. The part that shuts down, blows up, or disappears when things get hard. That's not a character flaw. It's a learned response — and it can be unlearned.

Using RLT, I work with each of you on the patterns you bring into the relationship — the ways you learned to protect yourself, the places where you go on autopilot, and the moments where you lose yourself in the dynamic with your partner.

When both partners are doing that work, something shifts. Not just in how you argue — but in who you are in the relationship.

Bonus Material: Themes We’ll Cover in Couples Therapy

• The “I’m Right, You’re Wrong” Mantra.

As you may or may not have discovered by now, the whole “my way is the only right way” schtick is a losing strategy. A big time losing strategy. 

I’ll help you understand each others’ preferences and see how you can work together – cue the skill of compromise!

• Why Making Assumptions Isn’t Helpful.

I often tell my clients it’s like there are 4 people in a relationship: the two people sitting here right now in this moment and the two people each of you have conjured up in your head as to who you *think* your partner is. 

Admittedly, this makes for a very crowded conversation, and it’s easy to get your wires crossed. 

When you make assumptions about your partner, you’re not honoring the present version of them. You’re not respecting their internal world and the fact that they’re evolving and changing every single day. Working with me helps you learn to put your guard down so you can be curious, be open, and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. 

• What Enduring Vulnerabilities Are – We All Have Our Triggers. 

Whether you like to admit it or not, we all have things that trigger us. Things that immediately make your heart race, make your mind go blank, and catapult you straight into fight-or-flight mode. 

I help you understand your own vulnerabilities as well as your partner’s, so you can be more mindful and kind in your conversations with each other. This isn’t to say you need to walk on eggshells around each other, but you’ll avoid so many misunderstandings and fights if you acknowledge and respect the vulnerabilities each of you have. 

Feeling unheard, disconnected, and alone in your relationship is a difficult place to be. And it doesn’t have to be that way. To get started with understanding your relationship and learning the skills you need for it to thrive, send me a message today. Couples therapy may be the next right step for you.

Ready to try couples counseling that actually works? Send me a message to request an appointment.