Couples Therapy
Like you’ve never seen before…
Couples Therapy in a Nutshell
Before you read the rest of this page, take a quick moment to yourself. Just one breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth.
Ahhhhhh.
Better, right?
Ok. Since you’re here, your relationship is probably in a rough spot right about now. Or maybe you’re even teetering on the edge of divorce. Let me start by telling you I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time.
If you’re like most couples I work with, you’ve likely read online that all the problems in your relationship come down to communication issues. If you could just communicate with your partner, you’d be able to fix things…
And that’s true!
The problem is, that’s useless advice when you’re in the thick of it. Obviously, if you could communicate better, your relationship would be better. But you can’t, so it’s not.
Whenever you and your spouse try to communicate – even about what’s for dinner, forget trying to have an actually meaningful conversation – it just turns into another argument and makes everything even worse.
And sure, that might be because your partner’s intentionally trying to pick a fight. But more likely, it’s because somewhere along the way, there was a misstep that wasn’t ever fully addressed – a crack that never healed. Over time, you’ve grown further and further apart, until you’re constantly feeling frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and angry.
If you’re at a point where you don’t even know what the problem is, or where it started, you just know something is WRONG – that’s ok.
That’s what I’m here for, to help you peel back the layers, allow you to reconnect with the person you love, and give you the right skills for the job.
“Thanks a ton for your counseling and expertise.
I wasn't sure what to expect, but counseling with you was probably one of the most important things I've ever done.
I appreciate your skill in knowing what to say, what to point out, which questions to ask, and when to silently let me observe.
Your exercises crucially brought into expression what we couldn't figure out before. I know to apply what I learned from you and this relationship going forward.
I'm massively appreciative for you and our time together. Thanks again!”
- W. R.
Four Ways Couples Therapy With Me Is Different:
I get to the root of the problem.
More often than not, couples therapists dive right into the session without adequately exploring each person’s background and the couple’s joint history.
Going to therapy and only talking about the problems you’re having RIGHT NOW is like putting a bandaid on a cut when the real problem is internal bleeding. Instead of working through your problems argument by argument, we’ll get to the root cause of the tension and conflict you’re experiencing.
Working with me, I’ll start by asking each of you to tell me more about:
your individual narratives
your family
your upbringing
the start of your relationship
the current state of your relationship
how you think you got to that current state
Again and again, I hear from clients about how helpful the assessment process was to them, how it made everything click for them to finally start seeing a difference in their relationship.
And I know, talking about your past can feel vulnerable and taking this step takes courage – but I promise it pays off.
2. I equip you for long-term success.
One area clients tell me couples therapy has failed them in the past is in preparing them for long term success. While it can be important to address specific arguments or frustrations, without the proper skills to be able to speak to each other kindly – and to listen fully – any conversations we have around the issues you’re facing will be wasted.
So, we start with the skills. Such as:
How to initiate a complaint
How to de-escalate heated conversations
How to self-regulate when you feel triggered
How to “set the stage” for a productive conversation
How to compromise and negotiate
So often, couples I work with are surprised by how quickly they’re able to talk with each other in a calm, respectful manner.
Once the tension has been reduced and you’ve developed a level of emotional safety with your partner, you’ll be able to hear each other in a new, deep, and meaningful way.
“Well,” you may say, “That sounds awfully simple. Why haven’t we been able to figure this out on our own?”
Listen. It’s not your fault.
When you've been in this cycle for years and these patterns are so ingrained, you get tunnel vision. You start to make assumptions about your partner, your armor goes up and you go into self-protection mode. It becomes less and less easy to give each other the grace necessary to sustain a long-term relationship.
My role is to help you rediscover that grace, that softness. And ultimately, to help you rediscover and redefine your relationship.
3. I help you recognize and understand the role Neurodiversity may play in your relationship.
Basically, Neurodiversity (ND) means your brain is wired a little differently.
And honestly, the more I learn about neurodiversity, the more I see just how common it is. Yet so often, ND is either not acknowledged, or is seen as something to be managed – something to overcome.
Even if you don’t have a neurodiverse relationship, this approach is still highly applicable. The basis of ND couples counseling is to help each partner understand, accept, and embrace their differences.
Neurodiverse or not, in working with me your way of seeing the world will be celebrated, not criticized.
For many couples I work with, learning that neurodiversity could be playing a factor in their relationship is a liberating revelation. It allows them to re-frame their relationship, and all the pieces start falling into place.
With my certifications in both the Gottman Method and Neurodiverse Couples Counseling, I’m able to provide an organized framework for you to work within, while still flexibly tailoring my approach to your specific relationship.
4. I don’t stop at the 1-hour mark.
I do 90-minute sessions, not 50-minute sessions.
If you've been to couples counseling before, then you know the drill. You describe the problem, communicate your feelings, make steps in the right direction… but just when you really start to get into it, time's up. You have so much left to say. And by next week’s session, you’ve lost that train of thought, and there are other more pressing issues to address.
By offering longer sessions, I’m able to devote the time needed for you to see real progress each week.
We’re able to tackle big-ticket items and actually reach a solution that you can then implement on your own.
Bonus Material: Themes We’ll Cover in Couples Therapy
The “I’m Right, You’re Wrong” Mantra.
As you may or may not have discovered by now, the whole “my way is the only right way” schtick is a losing strategy. A big time losing strategy.
I’ll help you understand each others’ preferences and see how you can work together – cue the skill of compromise!
Why Making Assumptions Isn’t Helpful.
I often tell my clients it’s like there are 4 people in a relationship: the two people sitting here right now in this moment and the two people each of you have conjured up in your head as to who you *think* your partner is.
Admittedly, this makes for a very crowded conversation, and it’s easy to get your wires crossed.
When you make assumptions about your partner, you’re not honoring the present version of them. You’re not respecting their internal world and the fact that they’re evolving and changing every single day. Working with me helps you learn to put your guard down so you can be curious, be open, and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
What Enduring Vulnerabilities Are – We All Have Our Triggers.
Whether you like to admit it or not, we all have things that trigger us. Things that immediately make your heart race, make your mind go blank, and catapult you straight into fight-or-flight mode.
I help you understand your own vulnerabilities as well as your partner’s, so you can be more mindful and kind in your conversations with each other. This isn’t to say you need to walk on eggshells around each other, but you’ll avoid so many misunderstandings and fights if you acknowledge and respect the vulnerabilities each of you have.
Feeling unheard, disconnected, and alone in your relationship is a difficult place to be. And it doesn’t have to be that way. To get started with understanding your relationship and learning the skills you need for it to thrive, send me a message today. Couples therapy may be the next right step for you.
Ready to try couples counseling that actually works? Send me a message to request an appointment.
See More Couples Therapy Options
